40 and fu**ed, so what's next!!!!

I am not going to lie this wasn't something I was looking forward to. In fact, I was dreading it. It sounded so old! So responsible!

But then life (as it invariably does) came along and gave me a big smack in the face.

I lost a friend to cancer at 46!! 46 fucking years of age and she was gone. She had been unwell for some time, and we were all told it was coming. But she was a fierce kick arse warrior and if the truth be told, the fact that we would lose her well before her time never really sunk in, until we did!

So, after a giant smack in the face from life, I took the lesson and went from dreading it to embracing the fuck out of I and I had an amazing time! In fact, I still haven't finished celebrating with lots of exciting things coming up.

But turning a new decade made me evaluate my life, where I had come from and where I wanted to be.

The journey up until now has been frantic. Anything that happened before nineteen isn't worth mentioning, I was busy being a rebel without a cause and generally being a complete nightmare 🤣.

At nineteen I moved to sunny Cumbria and spent several years being desperately depressed (as most nineteen years old are) and not really having a clue about my life.

Johnny and I met at twenty-one and we bought a house next door to my Mum and Dad for a few years. That was a stable and happy period, then we moved back to the farm.

The first six years back at the farm could take up a whole book in itself!! Horrific would be one word I used to describe it. But I look back on what we have all been through and I am so proud of us all for getting to this point, where:

a. we all genuinely love and care for each other.

b. we all do everything we can to make sure the kids have the best life they can.

After many turbulent years we all finally found our groove and overall Cardewlees Farm is a happy place with the odd nuclear melt down from me 😂

But from the moment we moved back things were either about, the farm, our wedding (which we had at home) or having a family. I always knew I wanted four children, from being in my teens I knew I wanted four and I wanted them as close together as humanly possible.

Johnny on the other hand would have had one or none 😂😂 but it was a non-negotiable from me, so we had Bertie at 28, Kittie-Mae followed 18 months later and then Lulabelle 21 months later. I had a miscarriage after Lulabelle and then to be honest I kind of went off the idea.

Lulabelle went to school, and I would hear Johnny tell people in a relieved tone that “we were done” and in reply, the little voice in my head would say, “I am not so sure”.

It turns out that my desire for four kids may have had a little break, but it was still as strong as ever and we welcomed Bowie in August 2018, much to Johnny’s horror! You would think being a farmer he would understand how these things work 🤔🤔

So really the last 12 years has been a frantic period of raising kids, kids’ activities, bedtime routines, bath time routines, toilet training, weaning, you get the idea!

So here I am at 40, not sure who I am or what I want anymore 😂😂 this isn’t a pity post. I am so grateful for what I have but if the truth be told along the journey I have got lost.

Things are so busy at times that having a bath seems self-indulgent, when did basic human hygiene become a luxury? I will want a bath, but instead I will jump in a lukewarm shower for 5 minutes before half drying myself and running upstairs to do Lulabelle’s hair for the fifth time that morning because she isn’t happy with it. What’s that all about?

So, one of my aims for my 40th year is to prioritise self-care. To find some space for me. Because the old cliché saying is true “you cannot pour from an empty cup”.

The other thing I am going to try and encourage is spending time as a family. I honestly love what we do because I like to think in some small way, we help you all spend time and make memories with the people you love. To me that is all life is about. You don’t remember someone’s shoes, or sofa or handbag. You remember how they made you feel, the memories you shared, the conversations you had. But if the truth be told it is only in moments free from distraction when you saviour these moments.

Despite having this outlook on life, we are shit at making time for each other!!!! Life seems to be a constant hustle of kid’s activities, parties, homework and generally just life!

I look at all your amazing photos of places that you have visited or even just pictures of your campfires, sat round relaxing and I want some of that 🤣🤣. It's only when away from the days to day hustle that you ask that extra question, that you observe, that you debate, you discuss. I know in my house most conversations consist of a verbal checklist, or a list of demands.

So that is going to be my other goal, to find some time just to be a family of six and relax!

As I write that I can already hear the little voice in my mind listing all the goals I have for the campsite, the things I want to make happen, the track, the dog shower, the tiny house. I have a very clear vision of how and what I want our little site to be. We are nearly there but there is still work to be done.

So to be completely honest I will never truly relax until we are there, but I will certainly try to do better 😂

The Tiny House

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